Family Life

I come from a modest family, by size. In Afrikan terms, a large family is desirable and necessary. Continuance of family is critical and non negotiable. It is in this light that having a son is such a big deal in our families. Afrikans have always understood the concept of intellectual property. It is not just a nice sounding concept to them, it is something to live up to. So every man is conscious of his brand name continuing even after he himself has passed on.

I was born into a large family filled with aunts, uncles and nephews. Traditionally, a son marries while living with his parents. After all the necessary customs and rituals are complete, he and his wife then leave to start their home. The concept of extended family is strongly maintained and encouraged. And it plays such a crucial role in the lives of the newly weds. Even more so for the children.

There are eight of us children at home, I am the fourth. Our seniority in the family is as follows: Mlungisi(Pati), Nozililo(Memme), Velile(Mabuti), Fezekile(thats me), Pinky, Nzimeni, Velaphi and Themba. My sister, Nozililo, passed away when she was about 16 in 1988.

We were a typical Afrikan family where life was blissful with strong principles and observation of our roots. Since my grand parents owned no land, my father has had to work to make a living. I am therefore raised by parents who have no education and have had to work hard to raise the children. My mother has the old standard five while my father has no schooling whatsoever. He is literate though. My father has always worked as a driver while my mother left work to raise us. My father's work takes him places so he spend most of the time away, coming home only over weekends.

My mocking name at home was ditsebe(mandlebe)! I grew up with well positioned ears that did not miss anything. Everybody elses were: Mlungisi(tham telele), Nozililo(nyeke), Velile(serota), Pinky(sefofu), Nzimeni(diso), Velaphi(botsho) and Themba never really got one. Umama called me mahlo a ditolo, meaning one with big eyes! And I really had big bright beautiful eyes! You must see my photographs as a young boy, you will love those eyes.

We grew up a very close family, especially among us the kids. We sort of started drifting apart when we each reached high school, we just became very different people. With me being the only introvert in the house. Every member of my family can talk, yhoo! Since we all spent time with my mother, we all became very close to her.

Mafaele, that's what we called umama. Her umolokazana name, lebitso la bohadi, is Nofine! It blows my mind how amaXhosa name oomakoti. Where these names come from, I believe that would be an interesting debate. So we have Nowinity, Nogate, Nosign and the likes eMakwayini! Anyway, the older children called her s'Nofine, short for sisi uNofine. The rest of us called her Mafaele, this is the Sothofication of the name. Utata is Zenzile, but we all called him uBhut'Ze; short for bhuti Zenzile!

When I finished matric, the family was sort of falling apart. My two brothers have chosen a completely different path. At the end of my first year working, my father also abonded the family. I am told he just arrived, packed his stuff and left. That was it, we were now really held together by umama who was doing her best even though she was a house wife. This turn of events puts such a strain on the family.

It is strange how we the "enlightened" darkies shun and look down upon house wives. Many of us were raised by house wives who made families what they are today. It may not be as glamorous as the careers we choose, house wives play a big role in our lives. And it is such a difficult job that we just overlook what they do. Part of the reason why marriages don't last is because people want careers and therefore cannot build families. It takes a lot to build a stable family, and house wives are expects at family. Black brothers want sophisticated wives who understand the stock market. But the stock market unfortunately does not build families! And sophisticated wives bring sophisticated problems to the family.

At the end of 2001 I decided to get married, I was 24. I had been working for four and a half years. I got married the African way which modern women call abduction by arrogance and ignorance! Ho shobedisa. This is a system where a man takes a wife without consent from his parents and without knowledge of the wife's family. From here on, it is up to the parents to work out the exact customs and lobola. It is a kind of a way to exonorate yourself, and your bride, from the intense family negotiations that usually take place before a boy gets married. Not only must your family be satisfied, oomalume(uncles) play a crucial part too. Once a decision has been taken by your family that you can marry, and they approve of the chosen wife, nothing can happen without the direction of oomalume.

I really wanted to settle down. At this point, I did not have any social life whatsoever. My work defined who I was and I lived to work. Things did not get to a great start. Trust was almost non existent, and this I believe to be the basis for what turned out later during the years. Anyway, the marriage did not work and after five years ten months I called it quits. It was a sad chapter in my life especially because by tradition we do not really get divorced. We formally separated in October 2006 and eight months later the divorce was granted. Traditionally, a situation like this requires a custom called ho ila to be invoked. There is wisdom in the insistence by elders that you must know the family of your bride before making a commitment, that wisdom must be observed. Re tlapurela dintho feela hobane re hopola hore re tseba ho feta baholo ba rona.

Our way of life demands that a man of my age be married with a family of his own. Success is therefore measured by the prosperity of a family and not that of an individual. As an elder brother in my family, I am to play a critical role in the affairs of my younger siblings, and not being married makes things difficult for everyone. The fact that I do not even have a child of my own make matters worse. It is in this context that my elders are adamant I must get married.

Umama passed away in March 2008 after a short and unexpected sickness. She was diabetic although I have no idea if that was the cause of her being late. It took only a week from getting sick to passing on. Camagu.

I never appreciated what is involved in finding a wife, in a traditional sense. Tshini bafondini, this is such a difficult thing. Whatever happened to our black sisters? Sisters, le re tshwarisitse mathata. Now I am fully open and appreciative of the custom of the family being involved in identifying a wife for a man. That makes you less subjective on matters that usually a man looses focus on, a black man I mean. And now I do realise hore ke hodile. I got shocked the first time I heard kids address me as utata(ntate)! It was then that I realised hore dilemo di ile!! E fela ha ke sa le dilemong tsa bohlankana.

With umama gone now, maybe it is time one listens to the elders! The passing kwakhe made me realise ukuthi life can be short. She was only 60. Both my paternal grand parents are late. Only my maternal granny is alive and she just turned 83. She too is not happy about not having umakoti or a great grand child. Ho thwe lentswe la baholo le ahelwa lesaka.